


The Dead of Night

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, halzek - Freeform, light mentions of past torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 11:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18194129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: “Talk to me,” Jay whispered, shifting so he could rest his head in Adam’s lap, his still half-asleep brain desperate for that warmth, that comfort.Adam’s hand went instantly to his head, threading his fingers into his hair with a soft sigh.“I don’t know how,” he admitted.





	The Dead of Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [keraunoscopia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/keraunoscopia/gifts).



> unbeta'd and written in, like, the span of about 30 mins? So bad. Definitely bad.
> 
> from a tumblr prompt  
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/183620743062/i-keep-seeing-his-face-halzek

At first, Jay wasn’t sure what woke him. He squinted at the clock on his bedside, the bright blue of the display near-blinding, before he heard it; the deep, trembling breath beside him as Adam shifted again, sitting up.

Jay didn’t mean to groan as he rolled over, but one slipped out anyway, and Adam had a hand on his shoulder in an instant, making a shushing noise.

“Go back to sleep.”

Jay frowned, rubbing his eyes before looking up at Adam. He knew Adam still had nightmares that he tried to hide from him, nightmares that took him right back to that basement, to knives and blow torches and things Jay could only begin to imagine. He mostly tried to respect the fact that Adam was still processing, even months later, because he knew how difficult trauma was to deal with. He knew how difficult it was to talk about. But in that moment, Adam looked so vulnerable, eyes red-rimmed and teary, face drawn and pale, lip quivering with each shaky breath as he tried to put on a brave face for Jay, and it broke his heart just to look at him.

“Talk to me,” Jay whispered, shifting so he could rest his head in Adam’s lap, his still half-asleep brain desperate for that warmth, that comfort.

Adam’s hand went instantly to his head, threading his fingers into his hair with a soft sigh.

“I don’t know how,” he admitted.

Jay wondered if it was the darkness that gave him confidence, or the fact that he wasn’t looking at him, was the one in the vulnerable position, head in his lap, eyes drifting shut. Maybe it was simply that Adam was tired, half-asleep himself, walls not completely up. Whatever it was, that was the most Jay had got out of Adam since those first few weeks when he was still in hospital, disoriented and confused and scared.

“Just...Tell me. Tell me what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, what you see when you close your eyes.”

“Will it help?” Adam asked softly, almost hopefully, and Jay sighed in response.

“Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes it’s just nice to know someone’s in your corner.”

“I know you’re in my corner.”

He could hear the smile in Adam’s voice, and huffed a small laugh, burrowing further into Adam, face pressed into his leg.

“I’m glad.”

They were silent for a while, and it was only the lingering feeling that Adam was working up the courage to say something, that he might finally open up, that kept Jay from falling back asleep.

“I keep seeing his face,” Adam admitted, voice quiet and trembling. “Every time I fall asleep. Even if he doesn’t do anything, he’s just there, and I...I don’t know how to make it stop, Jay. It’s like he’s always there in everything I do.”

Jay took a deep breath, forcing away his own emotional reaction at how utterly broken Adam sounded. He reached out to link his fingers with Adam’s, giving a small squeeze, both giving and seeking comfort in the same movement.

“I’m sorry,” Jay whispered, because he was, and because he didn’t really know what else to say.

“I thought so,” Adam said with a watery laugh, giving Jay’s hand a squeeze in return. “Doesn’t make me feel better.”

“Sorry,” Jay repeated, resisting the urge to sit up, to look at him, to take him in his arms. He knew that wasn’t what Adam wanted right now, so instead he said, “I wish I could help.”

“You do,” Adam was quick to respond. “Every day, just by being here, by not giving up on me, you help.”

Jay felt a pang deep in his stomach, and it had a sobering sort of effect, making him feel suddenly wide awake, jolted from the sleepy haze he’d been in since he’d first woken up. He knew what that felt like, that fear that everyone you loved was going to leave. He knew because he’d lived through it time and time again, and though it was usually just circumstance, he always felt as though it came back down to the broken parts of him, all the things he couldn’t fix, the things he couldn’t hide from the people closest to him. He knew that feeling, and he hated the fact that Adam was feeling it now, even a little bit.

“I could never give up on you,” Jay whispered, voice thick with emotion. “Never. I love you.”

“You loved the old me.”

Jay shook his head, unable to resist the urge to sit up now, to look at Adam’s face, to make him see. He brushed his knuckles across Adam’s cheek before cupping the back of his neck firmly, drawing him in just a little closer.

“I love  _ you _ . Every part of you, old and new.” Adam opened his mouth to protest, but Jay cut him off with a kiss, soft and gentle but insistent, before pressing their foreheads together. “You’re not as changed as you think you are.”

“I feel changed,” Adam whispered, closing his eyes. “I feel like there’s nothing left of me. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. He took that from me, and--”

“No,” Jay cut him off, shaking his head. “You’re still you. You’re still my Adam. Experiences always change people, even the good experiences. It’s normal, it’s...You’re…”

Jay sighed, shaking his head with a self-deprecating laugh. There were so many words he was sure he could use, and yet they all seemed to be coming out wrong, as always. He was sure he should be better at this, better at comforting people, at convincing the people he loved that he was there for them, unconditionally. Not for the first time, he wished he was better with words.

“Just believe that I love you,” he settled on, hoping it was enough. “That I’ll never stop loving you. If you believe that, we can survive anything. Okay?”

Adam hesitated for long enough for an odd sense of helplessness to overtake him. It was disconcerting how disconnected he felt from himself as he waited for a response, waited for some kind of recognition from Adam, desperate for him to understand. But then Adam nodded, sniffing heavily, and Jay felt himself relax as he pulled Adam into a hug.

“Okay,” Adam whispered, pressing his face into the crook of Jay’s neck.


End file.
